How to Get an Abortion
Let’s imagine five years from now we lose the rest of what remains of our civil liberties and all abortions are outlawed. Obviously just because it is illegal, does not make it unwanted. So what’s a girl to do when she experiences an unplanned pregnancy? Well don’t worry; I’ve compiled a list of options compiled by our all-knowing internet. Please note this is purely satirical and under no circumstances do I suggest attempting any of these procedures.
- In high school I often heard girls in the bathroom talking about high amounts Vitamin C to have a “natural” abortion. This highly trusted blog says that “the vitamin C works to produce an unfavorable climate within the uterus so that the egg does not implant, or cannot maintain its grip on the uterine wall.” Well, okay, sure.
- Fall down a flight of stairs?
- Dong Quai – “cause strong muscular rhythmic contractions of the womb which encourages it to expel its contents. It works well with vitamin C.”
- Parsley – “insert a small stem of parsley in the vagina. It helps in softening and opening the cervix and loosening the uterine wall. Change it regularly after every few hours.”
- “I heard that oprah drank laundry detergent… does that work?”
- Lift heavy weights – hey if it doesn’t work, maybe you’ll gain muscle tone right???
- Receiving punches, kicks, or other blows to the abdominal area.
- Bellyflopping onto a hard surface (um, no thank you)
- Your infamous coat hanger abortion. Filed under “unintended uses,” oh really?
- If you’re short on hangers, perhaps a knitting needle, darning needles, crochet hooks, cut-glass salt shakers, soda bottles?
- Hypothermia (brr)
- Douching with Coca Cola (well it might cause cancer, but abortion?)
- If you’re not up to it by yourself there’s always going to be back-allies to visit with maybe certified doctors, maybe not, that’s the thrill of life though.
Oh, none of these sound appealing? Well you should really take that up with your legislator. You’d be aiding millions of women. According to the World Health Organization, 42 million women worldwide have abortions and 20 million of those are unsafe. Of those, about 68,000 women die as a result of complications from unsafe abortion. 2-7 million women survive the initial abortion but suffer long term damage.
So it seems to me that parading around protecting “life” is obviously a cover up for something. Whose lives are they really trying to protect? Not mine – surely not yours. Hopefully they can sleep better at night.
