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3 Things I Learned About My Vagina from Anti-Choice Politicians

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February 11, 2014

The vagina, no matter whose body it’s attached to, is an impressive piece of technology. It’s sleek. Durable. Self-cleaning. Organic. It’s nature’s own pocket!

But there is also so much more, so much that we don’t know. I mean vaginas are the real final frontier. They’re illusive and tricky little creatures. I mean, some fedora-wearing nice guys have never even seen one before.

Crazy, right?

But there’s no need to worry. Anti-choice legislators always seem to know exactly what’s up. Their never endless knowledge on vaginas and the bodies of their female counterparts has provided me with so much useful information. In fact, I’d like to take a moment to share some of the most important lessons anti-choice politicians have taught me about my body. Starting with…

3. Vaginas can prevent pregnancies during a legitimate rape

Did you know? Because this was total news to me when, in 2012, Republican nominee for Missouri Senate Todd Akin dropped this truth bomb:

“from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down”.

When I heard about this I have to say I was extremely impressed with myself. Such potential that I didn’t even know I had! Since learning about the vaginas natural security system I’ve been looking into what else it can do. I mean if it can prevent a pregnancy from a legitimate rape being able to burn CDs with my vagina shouldn’t be too far ahead.

2. Pro-Choice Politicians Think I’m Lustful (Because I’m On Birth Control)

It was just a few weeks ago that anti-choice politician and social enigma Mike Huckabee stood before Republican National Committee and uttered these words:

“Democrats want to insult the women of America by making them believe that they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing or them a prescription each month for birth control because they cannot control their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government.”

Finally, someone said it. I mean, how insulting is it to have a government we elected provide millions with access to affordable birth control and education on contraception? What does “Uncle Sugar” think I am? Some kind of seductress? Do they really think I can’t control my own urges? I mean, if my body can shut down a legitimate rape pregnancy, don’t you think I can manage to control my libido (which apparently the rapist can’t do but that’s not what men are talking about so it’s not part of the dominant discourse)?

1. The Whole Woman is the Vagina

Remember that silly satirical article about how Texas senator Rick Perry couldn’t locate the vagina on an anatomically correct female doll?

And remember when people thought it was true?

I mean, come on guys. What elected official would be so stupid? Everyone knows where the vagina is. Especially State Rep. Peter Hansen, who, in an email to some of his colleagues concerning the repeal of certain parts of the Stand Your Ground laws, said this little gem:

There were two critical ingredients missing in the illustrious stories purporting to demonstrate the practical side of retreat. Not that retreat may not be possible mind you. What could possibly be missing from those factual tales of successful retreat in VT, Germany, and the bowels of Amsterdam? Why children and vagina’s (sic) of course. While the tales relate the actions of a solitary male the outcome cannot relate to similar situations where children and women and mothers are the potential victims.”

Of course the whole woman is the vagina. I mean, how else would politicians be able to write legislation dictating our every movement?

It’s time to open our eyes to the realness that anti-choice politicians and their supporters have so willingly provided for us. Their ideas about the female body and its functions provide me hope for the future. With such forward thinking coming out of the right, who knows what they’ll come up with next? Maybe the fire, or, in due time, the wheel!

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